It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
