i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
