i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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