ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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