Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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