like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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