What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Terrible idea I love it
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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