At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
