Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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