im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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