i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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