I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
