Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
