I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
