In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
