Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I got inside last night via doggy door
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
