Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
