does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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