either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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