I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize