i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
do herpes really smell.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
