She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
