I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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