Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
