So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
