just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
