Duck Duck Cougar?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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