Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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