I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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