when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
