i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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