After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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