I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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