You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
