All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
