my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
