I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
