The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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