I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
