Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
me + whiskey = a bad person
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Randomize
