note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
