You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
