Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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