two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
