The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
