I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
