Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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