Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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