Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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