I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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