Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
