The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
