okay pat passed out under dana's car
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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