yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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