I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
