I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
