About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize