this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Can vaginas get frostbite?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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