You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
