She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
