mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
