His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
How naked do you want me to be?
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