if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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