He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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