Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
do herpes really smell.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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