I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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