Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
