apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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