I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Actions speak louder than pants.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
