i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
